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Violence against women: How Anger Destroys Families and What Gurbani Teaches Us

Note to the readers: I wrote this in 2009 and kept it tucked away. Coming back to it reminded me why I wrote it in the first place, and I’m glad to finally share it.

November 25th is the international Day for the elimination of violence against women. This day was recognized by the General Assembly of United Nations in 1999 with a view too raising public awareness of violations of the rights of the women, why was this step deemed necessary?

In many cultures women are viewed and treated as inferior or as second class citizens. Prejudices against them are deep rooted. Gender based violence is an on going problem even in the so-called developed world. According to former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan “Violence against women is global in reach, and takes place in all societies and cultures,” he said in a statement marking the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. “It affects women no matter what their race, ethnicity, social origin, birth or other status may be.”

It is a shameful fact of life that is invisible in the society. Council of Europe estimates that 1 in 4 European women suffer from domestic violence. According to British Home Office, in England and Wales, averages of two women each week are killed by current of former partners. The Magazine India Today International reported that “for women across India, fear is a constant companion and rape is the stranger that they may have to confront at every corner, on any road, in any public place, at any hour.” Amnesty International describes violence against women and girls as today’s most pervasive human rights challenge.

Do the statistics mentioned above reflect Sikh Guru’s attitude towards women? NO, every sikh knows it but still In Punjabi (Sikh) community, the Psychological Battering is accepted cultural norm. Most women do not even realize it till it is too late to stop it in a relationship.

NCADV (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence) defines Psychological Battering like this “ The abuser’s psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property. In response to various incidents in recent years in US and Canada, Sikh Coalition wrote "the Coalition recognizes that Sikhs often fall short of practicing the Guru’s directive of equality, mutual respect, individuality and freedom. " The Coalition further recognizes “Family Violence is a serious and widespread problem in our community, just as in every other community. Family Violence must not be condoned in any circumstance. Family Violence is a crime and not just a ‘household problem’. Family Violence cuts across boundaries of culture, class, education, income, ethnicity, religious faiths and age. Those affected by Family Violence show a lot of strength in taking a stance against such violence. There is no excuse for Family Violence, it is wrong in all circumstances. Men and Women can combat this societal ill by supporting the victims and by helping victims find help. Due to cultural barriers, Family Violence is one of the most under- reported crimes and cultural taboos preventing conversation about such issues need to be lifted."

What happens when anger hides behind the mask of faith? Read the true story of a Gursikh father whose unchecked temper tore his family apart and learn how Gurbani teaches us to overcome anger and violence in our lives.

ਕਠਨ ਕਰੋਧ ਘਟ ਹੀ ਕੇ ਭੀਤਰਿ ਜਿਹ ਸੁਧਿ ਸਭ ਬਿਸਰਾਈ ॥
The heart is filled with anger and violence, which cause all sense to be forgotten.- Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji, Raag Gauree, Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji on Ang 219

ਸਹਜਿ ਸਮਾਧਿ ਅਹਿੰਸਾ ਹੋਇ ॥ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਵਹੁ ਜਗਦੀਸ ਗੋਪਾਲ ॥
In the peaceful poise of intuitive bliss, violence will be gone, as we sing the Glorious Praises of the Lord of the Universe. - Guru Arjan Dev Ji Raag Gauree 249

ਜਿਸੁ ਮਨੁ ਤ੍ਰਿਪਤੈ ਸੋ ਅਹੰਕਾਰੁ ਨ ਕਰੈ ॥ ਹਿੰਸਾ ਲੋਭੁ ਮੋਹੁ ਬਿਸਰੈ ॥
One whose mind is pleased and appeased, has no egotistical pride. Violence and greed are forgotten. - Guru Nanak Dev Ji Raag Saarang 1198

ਕਾਮੁ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਅਹੰਕਾਰੁ ਨਿਵਾਰਿ ॥ ਨਾਹੀ ਕੋ ਵੈਰੀ ਨਾਹੀ ਬਿਗਾਨਾ ॥ ਸਗਲ ਸੰਗਿ ਹਮ ਕੋ ਬਨਿ ਆਈ ॥
Lust, anger and egotistical pride are subdued. No one is my enemy, and no one is a stranger;I get along with everyone. - Guru Arjan Dev, Raag Kaanraa, 1299

ਸਹਜਿ ਸਮਾਧਿ ਅਹਿੰਸਾ ਹੋਇ ॥ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਵਹੁ ਜਗਦੀਸ ਗੋਪਾਲ ॥
In the peaceful poise of intuitive bliss, violence will be gone, as we sing the Glorious Praises of the Lord of the Universe. - Guru Arjan, Raag Gauree, 249

ਜਿਸੁ ਮਨੁ ਮਾਨੈ ਅਭਿਮਾਨੁ ਨ ਤਾਂ ਕਉ ਹਿੰਸਾ ਲੋਭੁ ਵਿਸਾਰੇ ॥
One whose mind is pleased and appeased, has no egotistical pride. Violence and greed are forgotten. Guru Nanak, Raag Saarang, 1198, Line 5

ਜਿਨਾ ਮਨਿ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਭਰਿਆ ਤਿਨਾ ਸੰਗਿ ਨਾਹਿ ਸਹਾਈ ॥
Do not associate with those, whose hearts are filled with anger. - Guru Raam Daas , Siree Raag, 40

ਕਾਮੁ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਮਦੁ ਮੋਹੁ ਜਿਹੇ ਸਲਾਹੁ ਅਹੰਕਾਰੁ ਸਾਧ ਸੰਗਤਿ ਨਿਵਾਰੈ ॥
Sexual desire, anger, intoxication, egotism, slander and egotistical pride are eradicted in the Saadh Sangat, the Company of the Holy. Guru Arjan Dev, Raag Bhairao, 1151

ਕਾਮੁ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਲੋਭੁ ਮੋਹੁ ਜੇਤੈ ਤਿਨ ਹੀ ਪਿਆਰੇ ਭਵਨ੍ਹ ॥
Conquer sexual desire, anger, greed and worldly attachment; only such a game as this is dear to the Lord. Guru Arjan Dev, Raag Basant, 1185

ਕਾਮੁ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਲੋਭੁ ਅਹੰਕਾਰੁ ਡਾਹ ਸੁਖੁ ਸੰਗਤਿ ਨਿਵਾਰੈ ॥
Sexual desire, anger, greed, pride and envy are destroyed in the Saadh Sangat, the Company of the Holy. Guru Arjan Dev, Raag Saarang, 1223

ਮੁਤਕ ਛੋਡੋ ਭ੍ਰਮੁ ਕਾਮੁ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਸਲਾਹੁ ॥
Evil passions, slander of others, sexual desire and anger - give up all these. Guru Nanak Dev, Raag Malaar, 1255

ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਭਉਕੈ ਕਾਲੁ ਆਪੈ ॥ ਮੂਰਖਿ ਵਿਗਲਹੁ ਖੇਲੁ ਖਾਪੈ ॥
Anger barks and brings ruin on itself, blindly pursuing useless conflicts. Guru Nanak Dev, Raag Malaar, 1288

ਕਾਮੁ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਅਹੰਕਾਰੁ ਈਰਖਾ ਮੋਹੁ ਨਿਵਰੈ ॥ ਨਾਮੁ ਜਪਹੁ ਜਿਨੀ ਨਾਮੁ ਸਿਮਰੈ ॥
How can I be free of anger, lust and greed?Lust, anger, egotism, jealousy and desire are eliminated by chanting the Name of the Lord. Guru Arjan Dev, Svaiyay Mehl 5, 1389

ਜਿਸੁ ਕਰਿ ਦਰਸਨੁ ਹਰਿ ਮਰਦਨ੍ਹੀ ਸਿੰਧੁ ਤਰੈ ਬਹਿ ॥ ਮਨਿ ਬੈਠਾ ਅੰਤਰਿ ਸ਼ਬਦੁ ਸੋਚੈ ॥ ਕਾਮੁ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਵਿਆਪਿ ਨਿਵਰੈ ॥
When the Lord, the Boat to carry us across, bestows His Glance of Grace, even for an instant, the mortal contemplates the Shabad within his heart; unfulfilled sexual desire and unresolved anger are eradicated. Bhatt Nal, Svaiyay Mehl 5, 1398

ਗੁਰਮੁਖ ਸਚੁ ਸੁਖੁ ਅਪਨਾਇ ॥ ਕਾਮੁ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਨ ਲਗਾਇ ॥
Gurmukhs adopt truth and contentment and do not indulge in lust and anger. Bhai Gurdaas, Vaars Bhai Gurdaas, 19

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